What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 10:44
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i lived it daily.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was 9 years of age.
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But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Who then, do I blame.?
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It was going to be , some day.
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I was seconnd youngest,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why am I so tired of seeing homeless people all over the place?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
Why do some people believe that Homelander would be no match for Superman or Thor?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I have no regrets .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She found it foreign!.
My family never makes their pension either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were not on the streets..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
But, we were locked up after school.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)